What a crazy month!  And it’s almost over, somehow.  My birthday is zooming closer and closer, and that means the end of the month looms.  And then “my month” is over.  Which always saddens me, because I LOOOOVE my month.

In the midst of work busyness, we might be moving/buying a new house.  It’s really putting a crimp in finishing this book, and I end up folding in on myself in self-doubt.

Should I finish it?

Will I finish it?

I feel like I’m moving so slow, I might as well be standing still.  I know I have unrealistic expectations of myself, but that doesn’t mean I can turn off my brain.  And it’s not just in writing that I feel as if I am moving in slow motion.  It seems like everything wants to move slowly, though, in reality, I’m moving at the speed of light.

We found a house.  Now we have to sell our house, but first, we have to make our house pretty.  When am I going to have time to write?  To buy a house, we have to have our house sold, but we also need to make sure it all aligns financially.  Does it make sense to buy a house?  In all of this, I feel this tremendous pressure to be “finished”.  To be done.  Like I’m letting myself down if I do not hold to the timelines I’ve given myself.

So I spin and spin and watch time tick by while I calculate how much I have left.  I wanted to be “done” before my birthday.  Welp, there are three days before my birthday.  I’m not going to be done.

I’ve slacked off on my jewelry commissions too.  Everything seems to be falling behind and I feel like my entire world is spinning out of control.  I have my moments right now where I want to give up.  Just throw in the towel on this stupid book that I can barely find beta readers for.  The little voice tells me that I’m not good enough and will never amount to anything.  That the book must be terrible if people can’t find the time to read it.

And maybe it is.  Maybe I am nothing but a sham, but I won’t figure that out until I finish.  So, that hooker is mine.  That finish line might move, but I’m going to get there.  Even if I have to drag my parched carcass across it.

I.

Will.

Make.

It.

 

This week’s goals:

  • Take a breath.
  • Remind myself that the finish line is mine to set.
  • Drink coffee and carry on.  Maybe it will take forever, but I’ll hit the end.  Eventually.
  • Don’t lose sight of the finish.  I’m coming for you, Mr. Finish Line.
  • Stop putting self-worth in who/how many beta readers read the book.
  • Stay positive.  (This one is freakin’ hard.)
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